Not another Harry Potter chick flick
by The one the only PROBIE
Summary: Prongs wants Lily and he'd do anything to get her but how far will he go? Will he end up loosing her? Would he go as far as public humiliation for her? This is a story about how not all relationships are made in heaven. Read and review.
1. How low can James Potter go?

"Give it up James, Lily ain't never gonna date you" said Pad foot.

"Oh. Come on Pad foot don't be so negative. No girl can resist the J Man." said James whilst looking around the common room.

"Well obviously Lily can" answered moony who had just sat down next to James on the floor.

"Nonsense. Girls are powerless to J Man's charms?"

"Please stop talking about your self in third person it's starting to creep me out." said Pad foot obviously disturbed.

"What? The J Man is great, the J Man is cool, the J Man is all powerful."

"Oh God!" exclaimed Moony. "Now look what you've done, he's not going to stop until we sign a petition saying the J Man is God's gift to women."

"Hey! Remember last time when he did a rap in front of everyone in the great hall about how cool the J Man is?" laughed Pad foot.

"STOP IT! I have to take this sort of treatment." Huffed James.

"Oh come on Prongs we were just joking". said Pad foot barely able to stop himself from laughing.

"I don't care I'm going out, to get away from you guys." Yelled James.

And with that he stormed out of the common room.

James wasn't sure were he was going but he was sure that it was going to take a long time to get there. Two seconds later James was in the library looking for his favourite book of all time "cutesy pie the pigmy puff and his not so exciting adventures". James however did not find "cutesy pie the pigmy puff and his not so exciting adventures" instead he found a strange pocket sized book called "How to get a girl in ten days".

"Hmmm, this could be useful" thought James and pocketed the pocket size book.


	2. Beans aren't the way to a girls heart

"Wow! Prongs you must be desperate, to use a self help book." joked Pad foot.

"Well desperate times cause for desperate measures you know." said Prongs flicking through the book.

"What a load of crap!" exclaimed Mooney "I mean what kind of looser reads books about picking up chicks?"

"Our kind of looser." replied Pad foot.

"Yeah! Hey wait a minute?" said Prongs just realising that he had been had.

"A bit slow on the up take are we old man" joked Pad foot.

"Yes, I mean NO! And I'm not old dag nab it!"

Mooney sighed clearly relieved that Prongs had stop talking about himself in third person.

"Ok, Prongs what's your first plan of attack?" asked Mooney quite obviously bored with the way the conversation was going.

"Oh, Oh, Oh I know. How about you corner Lily and then spray her with a hose." shouted Worm tail.

The three boys jumped clearly unaware of Worm tails present. Pad foot was the first to say something in what seemed like an age of quite contemplation of this idea.

"No, Worm tail I don't think that's a good idea, after all Prongs wants to date her not blast her into next week."

"Oh. How about I tap on the shoulder at break fast and ask her to meet me round the corner when she's finished breakfast." suggested Prongs.

"Yes! That sounds like a nice and mature idea." Appeased Mooney

"And then when she comes round the corner I spray her with the hose!" exclaimed Prongs gleefully.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOTHING TO DO WITH A HOSE!" yelled Mooney.

"Ok, how about we just read something in that looser book." suggested Pad foot "And then we'll add on the spraying her with the hose!"

"STOP IT!" screamed Mooney looking like he was about to crack. "Let's just read the stupid book."

Prongs, Pad foot and Worm tail shrugged and started to read the stupid book with Mooney.

"You ready Prongs?" asked Pad foot.

Prongs wasn't actually sure if he was ready. In fact he was actually quite nervous. He'd hit on Lily before but this was different. This was a success or crash and burn sort of situation. He was about to literally committed social suicide and if he failed it could very well ruin his reputation.

"Look Prongs just do what the stupid book says. I mean what could go wrong?" encouraged Mooney

"Well she could turn him down; the hole of Gryffindor tower will think that you're a woos and we could disown you. But other then that you should be alright." affirmed Pad foot.

Mooney sighed "Don't listen Pad foot you'll be fine. Just do what the book says and every thing will go fine."

"Quick! Lily is coming out of her dorm." whispered Worm tail.

Prongs snapped into action.

"Hey Lily!" shouted Prongs

"What!" Lily shouted back leaning over the railing.

"Stay there!"

"Oh. God, please don't come up here!" pleaded lily.

"No I'm not going to; I just have to say something." shouted Prongs his voice braking slightly.

"Ok shoot. But make it quick some of us are hungry you know."

"Right. Umm…." Prongs turned to his friends for encouragement they had all the sudden disappeared. "Beans, beans the magical fruit the more you eat the more you tute. The more you tute the better you feel so eat your beans at every meals!" cried James.

"Urge! Gross!" Lily exclaimed. "I didn't need to know that."

A bunch of girls passed Prongs in the library and sniggered. Prongs sunk lower into his chair.

"So how'd it go?" asked Pad foot.

"Not so well. She just stood there and looked like she was about to throw up." Replied Prongs unhappily.

"I told you, you should have sprayed her with the hose." Worm tail said happily.

Mooney ignored worm tail. "Did you do what the book said?" asked Mooney "You know impress her with your awesome knowledge of literature?"

"Yes, I did exactly what you said; I found a limerick and recited in front of her."

Pad foot whacked the back of Prongs head with a book.

"Prongs, Prongs, Prongs I told you to find a lyric not a limerick. You know a lyric from a romantic song. Not a bloody poem you found on the back of one of the toilet doors!" yelled Mooney.

"Ok what do we do now?" asked Pad foot.

"Look in the book me guess." muttered Prongs

"Or we could spray…"

"NO!" Mooney bellowed


	3. The J Man is no Heath Legder

"Find anything interesting?" said Pad foot watching James flick through "how to get a date in ten days".

Mooney sighed he was obviously getting quite sick of Prongs' pursuit.

"Nope, nothing that'd rectify what had happened yesterday." said Prongs glumly.

His ego hadn't fully recovered from the embarrassment he had endured.

"Here let me look" sighed Mooney reaching forward. He flicked through a couple of pages and stoped. "HA! Look at this. This poor attempt for a book has a translation page".

Prongs, Pad foot and worm tail leaned forward to look at the page.

Girl to Guy translation:

Yes: "Yes. Well at least for the moment."

No: "NO!"

Maybe: "no."

I'll think about it: "out look, looks grim."

I have to go: "God! Get me out of here!"

Really: Girls usually say that when they're flattered. Really is usually a good sign.

Ha, ha that's funny: "OH God. What a looser."

I think you should go: "If you don't go now I'm going to be forced to hurt you."

Go away: "PISS OFF!"

Oh I didn't know that: You're wrong.

Maybe some other time: "How about never"

"I don't get it" said worm tail. "If no means no and maybe means no, then yes means no?"

"No. yes means no" said Mooney.

"But I thought no means no." enquired Prongs.

"NO, your wrong." answered Pad foot.

"Does that mean I'm right?" asked Prongs.

"NO!"

"I'm confused." Muttered worm tail

"Shut your Pie Hole Wang Chung!" shouted Pad foot.

"Why'd you say that?" asked Prongs quite confused

"I don't know. I just got caught up in all the excitement." Answered Pad foot

"Man! This girl talk stuff is hard. Who'd thought that it could be so confusing." sighed Prongs.

"Something's in this world are not meant to be understood. Like why the water reflects the road at night and why chicks dig boy bands." said Pad foot in a mock wise man way.

"Hey you guys, I found something that might help Prongs get Lily." exclaimed worm tail.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" asked Prongs "I mean the J Man can't take another public humiliation."

"Yes you'll be fine." sighed Mooney.

"Nice to know your back to your normal self 'ey Prongs." joked Pad foot.

"Yeah, you'll be fine as long as she doesn't whack a bludger your way." reassured worm tail.

"They so shouldn't have let the girls have there own quidicth team it's dangerous." said Pad foot.

"Hey that's not true. Girls are no more dangerous then we are." exclaimed Mooney.

Prongs stepped away from his friends and into the middle of the quidicth stands. Lily was flying around on her broom stick.

"Ok here I go." thought Prongs.

He pointed his wand at his throat and muttered a spell and started to sing.

You're a little obsessed with me  
and I'm a little bit scared of you  
the way you look and stare at me  
Maybe it's time I let you know

Lily stoped in mid air and looked at Prongs slightly confused. Prongs kept singing after all this was what was supposed to happen.

You could call me six times but still I won't pick up the phone  
You could spend all your money on me  
but still I'll say no  
You could write a million letters everyday confessing to me  
That I am the guy of your dreams  
But nobody ever asked me  
I never looked at you that way  
'Cause I always thought you were gay

Her eyes narrowed and what was once a smile turned into a grimace. "OH no! This was not supposed to happen. Maybe I should start doing movements." thought Prongs. He dropped his wand and started to do the moon walk and tried doing blue steal.

Every time you come around  
You just look me up and down  
And then you try to hold my hand  
I'm confused now I don't understand

You could call me six times but still I won't pick up the phone  
You could spend all your money on me  
but still I'll say no  
You could write a million letters everyday confessing to me  
That I am the guy of your dreams  
But nobody ever asked me  
I never looked at you that way  
'Cause I always thought you were gay

By the time Prongs turned around Lily had already landed on the ground and was stalking towards him. She looked furious, Lily got her wand out. It looked like it was time to run. Things weren't going to get better. But by the time prongs had started to run Lily was already right behind him. Shooting spells at him from every direction. No matter where he went Lily was right behind him, until Prongs had accidentally ran him self into a dead end. Lily was coming straight at him. This was it he was never going to make it out alive.

"Why you, Oh there isn't even a word for it!" screamed Lily "Are you purposely trying to embarrass me?"  
"N-no." whimpered Prongs.

"Well I'm gonna make sure you don't ever do it again!" yelled lily. "I'M GOING TO TURN YOU FROM A ROOSTER TO A HEN!"

She leaned forward and grabbed his shoulders, for a minute there Prongs thought she was going to kiss him but, the immediate pain in his crotch told him differently. She had Kneed him.


	4. Don't Mess with the Fat Lady

Just a kindly reminders REVIEW THIS STORY!

Prongs limped along the corridor on the way to the common room. He was limping because of well, of a certain event that had occurred earlier that week. He was desperately trying to avoid eye contact with any one, mostly girls. No matter what Mooney had said, he still thought girls were an accident ready to happen. But it would be all worth it once he got Lily to go out with him. Eventually after what seemed like an hour of pain he finally reached the common room.

"Password." muttered the Fat lady.

"You know I really think you should change the password it's demeaning to some of us." Said Prongs irritated at the fact that the Fat Lady had changed the password from Casanova to squashed grapes.

"Just say the password and get out of my sight no balls."

"Hey that was uncalled for!" said Prongs starting to get angry.

"What you gonna do call mama and get her to fight your battle for you!" retorted the Fat Lady.

"Well at least my mama can fit throw hole that you block all day!" shouted Prongs.

"OH you gonna take me on home boy! Huh! Huh!" said the Fat lady becoming abnormally Ghetto like.

"Bring it on!" exclaimed Prongs getting rolling up his sleeves and getting ready to punch. But at the last moment the Fat Lady swung upwards allowing Prongs to punch who ever was on the other side. Unfortunately the person on the other side turned out to be Lily. Her head knocked back more out of surprise than anything else.

"Lily? Oh My God! I am so sorry!" said Prongs apologetically.

"You better hope you are!" screamed Lily.

She stalked towards him and punched him in the head. Some of the people from inside the common room came out to see what was causing all the commotion. "Great." thought Prongs. "That's all I need a crowd to watch me get pulverized by a girl." By the time Prongs had thought this up Lily had punched him in the head three more times.

"OH WHY ISN'T ANY ONE STOPPING THIS!" cried Prongs.

People were egging Lily on and every time fell onto someone they would just push him back into the ring. Until…

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" yelled someone, who turned out to be Mooney. H e ran into the circle and pulled Lily as far as possible from Prongs. Prongs fell on the ground and just lay there trying to stop his heads from swimming.

"I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!" screamed Lily.

"Ok you can do that once you've thoroughly planed it so you won't get caught." said Mooney calmly.

"That's, that's a good idea I think I'll do that." said Lily slightly less homicidal than she was before.

"Now go to the hospital wing and get that bruise checked out." advised Mooney observingly her black eye.

Lily walked off muttering murderous plans under her breath.

"Ok there's nothing to see here. Leave this pathetic sod and get back to your own miserable life." ordered Mooney in his usual Prefect way.

"Dude you ok?" questioned Pad foot who had been one of the first to egg Lily on.

Worm tail kneeled down and started prodding Prongs with his wand. Prongs barely moved. "I think he's dead."

"He's not dead." sighed Mooney. He grabbed Prongs hand and started to squeeze it.

"Wow dude, I no he's dead but there's no need to take advantage of him." exclaimed Pad foot.

Mooney glared at him. "I'm checking his responses." Mooney but his face inches away from Prongs nose.

"Ok Man this is getting way to suss and by suss I mean we past Broke Back Mountain an hour ago." said Pad foot.

"I'm checking if he's breathing."

"Ok Man if that's how you want to play it." Said Pad foot putting up his hands.

Mooney ignored him. "Prongs can you here me? How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Too many to count." Replied Prongs irritated.

Mooney sat Prongs in an up right position.

"Prongs what happened?" asked Mooney.

"OH! Get me to a hospital or something." muttered Prongs.

"You get that once you answer the question." ordered Mooney.

" Iaccidently punched Lily and then she punched me. Man she can punch."


	5. Wait this isn't suppose to happen!

Note:Read and review if you want to live (shakes fist angryily) have fun reading. :)

"OH, stop vining you mushy strudel!" demanded Frau Kökuschlampehaüsen the nurse.

"Well you try having your nose broken in 50 places and then have an incompetent German Nartzi trying to bandage up the wrong body part!" Complained Prongs

"How dare you! I am plenty competent enough!" said Frau Kökuschlampehaüsen.

"Well if you're so competent then how come you're bandaging up my big toe?"

"I have my reasons." sniffed Frau Kökuschlampehaüsen. "And if you're not careful your nose isn't going to be the only thing broken." She started to crush Prongs big toe with her abnormally large hand.

"Ok, ok you're a competent just leave my toe alone." pleaded Prongs

"Thank you. Now drink this and get out of my sight you ungrateful vimp." said Frau Kökuschlampehaüsen slamming down a medicine glass with a strange liquid in it and walked of. The whole room shook as her gigantic feet made contact with the floor.

Prongs glared grabbed the glass and downed it and was just about walk out the door when some one from the other side slammed the door into his already broken nose.

"Ouch! Oh Shit! Oh god that hurts."

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't… Oh it's you, well that's alright then." It was Lily once again. She walked past him with out the slightest look back. Prongs was so shocked that all he could was stand there until he had fully grasped what had just happened.

"Hey have you come to apologize or something?" shouted Prongs.

"Apologize!" Lily turned around on her heel. "For what?"

"Well you sortta broke my nose you know."

"Oh right, I broke your nose let me see…" she but a finger to her mouth in a mock sadistic way. "I'm sorry James, I'm sorry that a I called a feral when you recited that stupid limerick to me!" She was stalking back towards him now her voice getting louder by every word. "I'm sorry I kneed you in the crotch even though you deserved it for calling me GAY! AND GEE, AM I SORRY THAT I BEAT YOU UP IN FRONT EVERY ONE REVEALING JUST THE WIMP YOU REALLY ARE EVEN THOUGH YOU DESERVED IT! AND I'M SORRY I CAME HERE TO GET ONE OF MY BOOKS THAT I LEFT BEHIND YESTERDAY AFTER GETTING MY NOSE CHECK OUT! WHICH WAS YOUR FAULT BY THE WAY! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M EVEN SORRY THAT I MET YOU BECAUSE IF I HADN'T MET YOU THEN I WOULDN'T BE HALF AN INCH AWAY FROM GETTING ADMITTED INTO A SPHYC WARD!"

Lily stood there for a minute breathing heavily, then turned back around pick up her book and walked back out again. Prongs stood there trying extremely hard not to scream. Everything lately had been going all wrong every since he found that stupid book. Before then Lily just didn't want to go out with him now she hated him and it was that stupid books fault. Mooney was right all along it was a stupid idea to take dating advice from a self help book. They don't do anything except tell you what's wrong with you. Prongs knew what had to be done; he had to get rid of the book. So he ran out into the corridor he kept running all over the place until he reached the library. He slowed and walked into the library, he walked into one of the false tunnels made by the rows of book case. There was only one other person in there.

"Perfect." Thought Prongs and shouted "Hey SNIVELOUS!"

Prongs through the book at the person and ran out of the tunnel of book case just in time to be able to dive under a table when an explosion combusted behind him.

"Prongs? What are you doing under there? You haven't gone Broke Back Mountain have you?" It was Pad foot.

Prongs smiled.

"So let me get this straight. Lily hates you and you literally through away the one thing that could save you?" Said Pad foot discombobulated.

The three friends and the one hanger on were siting in the common room.

"Yep, it had to be done." answered Prongs.

"Thank god you finally came to your senses." exclaimed Mooney.

"So what are you gonna do now?" enquired Worm tail.

"I dunno I'm all out of ideas." sighed Prongs.

"Face it Prongs you didn't have any ideas in the first place." sighed Pad foot getting restless. "Well if you guys don't mind I think I mite go do some studying in the library." He stood up.

"What studying? You barely ever study?" said Mooney slightly suspicious.

"Ok so I'm going to go meet a girl in the library for some "studying" replied Pad foot innocently.

"Look just go, you'll be back soon any way. It doesn't take those girls long to figure out how shallow you really are." said Mooney getting annoyed.

Pad foot glared and walked out the door.

"Ok, so what's our next plan of attack?" questioned Prongs excitedly.

"Nothing" said Mooney. "Maybe you should just let Lily be for a while. Well just until she stops hating you just a little less."

"But…"

"Hi, Lupin." said Lily cheerily.

"Oh hi Lily." replied Mooney turning around to face her. "How can I help you?"

Prongs and Worm tail looked from Mooney to Lily and back.

"Well, you know that assignment Professor Slughorn gave us?" said Lily twirling a lock of her hair

"Yeah? What about it?"

"Well, I, there were just a couple things I don't get and I was wondering if you could help me?" said Lily hopefully.

"Umm… Ok, what part don't you get?"

"Oh, it's just too many parts, would read mine and explain if I'm doing anything wrong?" Lily looked hopeful whilst waiting for Mooney too answer.

"You Know, Lily I could help you." Offered Prongs

"I didn't ask you!" snapped Lily giving him an icy stare.

Prongs shrunk down in his seat.

"Well?"

"OK, why not I mean I'm just helping you get the best mark possible, aren't I?" agreed Mooney

"Oh, yes offcourse." said Lily sounding a little bit too happy.

Mooney got up and then lily grabbed his hand pulled him out of the common room.

"Well I guess it's just us two bachelors then." said Worm tail happily slapping Prongs on the back. Prongs turned glared at Worm tail.

five minutes later. Cricket, cricket

"So… Prongs I've been thinking."

"Oh god what?" exclaimed Prongs

"What would you say if I said I dug you?"

"I'd say you were barking up the wrong tree mate."

"OH ok then forget that."

"Forget what?"

"Never mind, hey you no how you want Lily?"

"Yes."

"And you know how chicks dig the person who rescued them from something?"

"Keep talking…"

"Well, what if we staged an accident that you'll save lily from?" said Worm tail fiddling with his hands.

"Like what?" Prongs was becoming increasingly more interested by the second.

"Well what if she was walking a long a corridor to deliver her assignment to slug horn and I sprayed her with the hose. But just before I spray her with the hose you push her out of the way, thus saving her and her assignment."

"I think that's the best idea you've had in your whole entire life." Said Prongs happily

All of the sudden Pad foot walked in from the portrait hole, well more like sprinted.

"Hey Prongs what happened?" asked Worm tail

"What'd you do this time?" said Prongs in an odd mother like tone.

"Never mind, what'd you to get up to?" enquired Pad foot obviously trying to change the subject.

"Well, we thought of a plan to help prongs get Lily." said Worm tail in an almost happy go lucky sort of a way.


	6. Finally Mooney gets some action!

The scene was set; Lily was bound to come past with her assignment any minute now. Worm tail held the monstrously long hose at the ready to spray the oblivious Lily. Prongs was waiting around the corner with anticipation in a matter of seconds Lily would be his. Prongs peered round the side of the wall he saw Lily; she had just turned into the corridor of doom. Well that's what Worm tail had called it any way. She'd past Pad foot; this was his cue to leave so it didn't look suspicious. Prongs' heart started to pound extremely fast. He turned his back on the trap just in time to see Sir Bonkers the grounds keepers' cat whom he had a certain beef with rushed past him. Prongs just couldn't resists he had to chase the cat; it's what the cat was expecting. Who did that cat think it was swinging its tail around like it owned the place? The cat turned to face him and gave him a sny sneer and pranced away, James chased him shouting water spells at Sir Bonkers feet.

Mean while not so far away from the corridor of doom, Mooney was walking on his way to the library trying to find a reason why Prongs was chasing that stupid cat, when he bumped into Pad foot.

"Wow! Hey Pad foot. What are you so happy about?" questioned Mooney observing his friends overly happy face.

"Oh it's just that Worm tail came up with a plan for Prongs to get Lily and basically what's going to happen is that Worm tail is going to spray Lily with a hose, but just before that happens James pushes her out of the way, thus saving her making him fall hopelessly in love with him. And he'll finally stop bugging me about his stupid problem." said Pad foot happily.

"Oh No." exclaimed Mooney

"What?"

"James isn't going to save Lily he's too busy chasing that stupid cat!"

"Wow! Now this I have to see." Said Pad foot excitedly

"We have to help!" said Mooney fear swelling up inside him.

Pad foot shrugged. "That to"

Mooney set off at a run with Pad foot taking up the rear, he couldn't let this happen. How could he have let this happen?

Prongs laughed manically. "Take that Sir Bonkers."

Mooney was almost there, he saw Worm tail and started waving him his arms signalling NO! But worm tail just smiled and seemed to have taken it as some sort of compliment. It was no use; he was going to have to save Lily himself. He had reached the opening of the door way just at the same moment Lily did. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. Worm tail turned on the hose, water spurted out. Mooney pushed Lily out of the way with an extended "NO". Lily was saved unfortunately Mooney wasn't so lucky. The force of the hose pushed Mooney back wards into an opened door. He slammed into it like a string of spaghetti slams into the wall at an Italian food fight. Mooney groaned eventually worm tail turned off the hose once he had finally figured out that this wasn't the plan.

"Lupin? You saved me!" Exclaimed Lily quite shaken. She had got up and started limping towards him. She must have sprained her ankle when he'd pushed her.

"I guess."

She sat down beside him and looked at him and laughed. "You're all wet!"

"Well that does tend to happen when some one sprays you with a 40 foot hose." Replied Mooney sarcastically.

"You saved me." said Lily once more

"You said that already." said Lupin getting increasingly uncomfortable at how close Lily was from him. He pulled himself up into a sitting position Oh were on earth is Prongs!

Prongs shout on last water spell at Sir Bonkers which hit the cat square on the butt.

"Ha-ha! Take that cat Butt!" exclaimed Prongs triumphantly. Now that he had achieved his goal he couldn't quite shake the feeling that was suppose to do something more of purpose then attacking one of his many arch nemesis. Prongs shrugged and ran back the way he came, he couldn't wait to tell his friends how much more superior he was than Sir Bonkers.

"You know Lupin it's funny I never thought that some one like you would be my hero." giggled Lily.

"Well I'm not. So I have to go." Said Lupin hurriedly trying to get up but Lily just pulled him back down.

"No stay. I need you to look at my ankle, I think it's broken" said Lily imploringly.

"I really think you should get the nurse to look at that."

"No I think you should after all you did save me." She put her leg on his lap.

"Umm...ok." This was getting way to out of hand thought Lupin. He looked at her ankle "Yep it's broken, you should go see the nurse." said Lupin quickly.

"Lupin look at me. I don't want to see the nurse I want you." said Lily determinedly

Lupin gulped and looked Lily in the eyes. She looked at him, leaned forward and kissed him. Lupins eyes widened with surprise. This was definitely not meant to happen. He just prayed that Prongs didn't see this.

Prongs turned the corner with exhilaration, but this feeling soon faded when he saw Mooney making out with his girl. He'd betrayed him. He had planed this all along, the book, the Sinicism and the not wanting to have any part in any of the plans. He should have known Mooney had always been jealous of him.

"HOW COULD YOU!" yelled Prongs. "I TRUSTED YOU!"

Lily and Mooney broke apart.


	7. THERE IS NO GOD!

"Cheer up Prongs, all Mooney did was steal your girl and make you look like a total ass in front of her." encouraged Worm tail.

"SILENCE PON!" shouted Prongs. "The J Man has no need for your pity!"

"Prongs I really think you should stop talking like a gay person from Lord of the rings." advised Pad foot. "It's not doing anything for your chick magnetisity and let's face it; it's not exactly at chick overload at the moment."

"SILENCE PUNEY HUMAN!"

"Look mate we're just trying to help." answered Pad foot. "You know seeing as your all cut at Mooney and all."

"I DON'T NEED YOU'RE HELP! ALL I NEED IS A RING! YES THE ONE RING THAT WILL RULE ALL CHICKS! I WILL CALL IT THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL!"

"Yes very original." sighed Pad foot sarcastically.

"Would someone like to pull my finger?" asked Worm tail sympathetically.

Prongs just glared at worm tail.

"Look mate forget about what's happened and move on. So Mooney stole your one true love get over it, there's plenty of other fish in the sea. You're young, smart and sporty. Who wouldn't want to date you?" said Pad foot.

"Lily for one." said Prongs glumly slumping down.

"Ok, besides from Lily, who else could resist your sigh J Man charm? encouraged Pad foot. "Why don't you pick a chick and have some fun until Lily gets over the hole humiliating public displays of affection."

"Fine you pick someone."

"Oh, oh lets have a little wager to see if Prongs can make her full madly in love with him before the end of term dance?" added Worm tail happily.

"There's a dance?" questioned both Pad foot and Prongs.

"Well yeah, I saw an advert for it on one of our notice boards." Answered Worm tail. "I mean it's written on the toilet walls." added Worm tail quickly once he saw his friends disapproving looks.

"Ok fine we will pick a girl and Prongs will have to make her fall in love with him before the end of term dance or what?"

"Hey this is my life you're betting on here!"

"How 'bout if Prongs doesn't succeed then you has to date a house elf." answered Worm tail.

"And if I win?"

"Hey my life is not for other people amusement. I have real feelings you know!"

"Shut up I want to know what I win if you succeed."

"How about you get my special stash of cash."

"You don't have a special stash I took all your money."

"Hang on a minute. I am not going to do this just for your enjoyment."

"Off course you are."

"I have special stash you don't know about in a place you'll never think of looking for."

"Oh please tell me it's not up your rectum like it was last time."

"HEY LISTEN TO ME!"

"Oh sorry Prongs did you say something." mocked Pad foot.

"Arrrrrrhhhhhhh! I can't take it any more!" Bellowed Prongs and stormed out of the common room.

He couldn't believe this his hole life was turned up side down Lily hated him, Mooney was dating Lily Prongs never thought he'd see the day when Mooney would go a date. He always thought well that Mooney was a bit gay and now his last two friends were betting on weather he could score a girl or not. This was insane; he might as well crash into a wall with the way his luck was going. Well to tell you the truth Prongs did crash into something but it wasn't a wall.

"Oh Crap that hurt. GOD DAMMIT! Why doesn't god just kill me? But no he'd rather put me under a huge magnifying glass and watch me burn!"

"Excuse me?" said a female voice. "Are you ok?"

"NO I'M Not… who the hell are you?" questioned Prongs once he realised he'd that he was talking to some one he'd never met before.

"Umm… I'm not sure I should tell you, you don't sound very mentally sound at the moment." answered the girl nervously. "Umm… do you know where I might find Professor Dumbledore?"

"Err. Yeah I'll show you. What's your name?" questioned Prongs once again.

"Katie Robertson." Answered the girl timidly. "What exactly does Professor Dumbledore do here? Is he a Nurse, a Cleaner, a gate keeper what?"

"Well he's the head master."

"Oh."

"Ok this way." Said Prongs after an elongated silence and together Prongs and Katie walked in silence on the way to the Head Masters office.

"Arh! Here we are." said Prongs a little bit more glad then he wanted to let on. Katie knocked on the door.

"Come in, 'cause this room ain't rocking so you can definitely come a knocking." said a very sultry Dumbledore.

Prongs opened the door and motioned for Katie to go in, then closed the door and followed in behind. Although Dumbledore was a great mind, he still didn't trust how the same students are all ways being called up for a private meeting.

"Well, what have we got here? It looks like James Potter and his girlfriend umm… chick with blonde hair." said Dumbledore in a rather spaced out sort of way.

"Are you high?" questioned Prongs getting little curios at the head masters behaviour.

'Am I? Ha-ha James you've all ways been a funny one but don't give up your day job of humiliating public displays of affection. That's you're real strong point. You should find a carer where you can do that twenty-four seven or maybe just devote your life to streaking at every quidicth game. You know liven it up a bit." answered Dumbledore ending with a wink. "You know what would be fun? If we all played a game of strip poker."

"Maybe later." said Prongs trying to keep the subject off anything to do with stripping.

"Excuse Mr Dumbledore." Cut in Katie.

"Yes sugar plum cherry berry Mariah Carey." answered Dumbledore "Who are you?"

"Well umm... How do I put this? I'm your daughter."

"Holy Mother of God!"

"he-he Surprise." Said Katie Meekly.


	8. Shut up and listen

**Warning:****This next chapter will be taken over by Lily and Lily's thought. Ha-ha die! Prongs Die! Darn it I'm going to have to write girl feelings. Damn I should have thought this through.**

"Lily? Lily! LILY!" screamed Lily's friend Amander.

"What?" asked Lily surprised.

"Your fork has pinned my hand to the table." whimpered Amander.

"Oh, sorry." apologized Lily taking her dinner fork out of her friends hand. For some reason she'd been doing a lot of hand stabbing when ever she saw James and that new girl sitting together. Talking, laughing and MAKING OUT! But she wasn't jealous; she was just disgusted with their clear disrespect of public decency even if they were just talking, it was still wrong.

James and the new girl got up from the table and walked straight passed her. James had his hand around her waist. Not that she was looking or anything. They turned the corner, Lily had to stretch out a little further, unfortunately she stretch so much that she lost balance and fell of her chair.

"Wow! Hey Lily do you need some help up?" asked Lupin who had just come along.

"No! I'm fine." said Lily determinedly getting up. Her friends giggled.

"Trouble in paradise 'ey." One of them said

Lily ignored them. "So…" she had begun trying to get a conversation out of Lupin, ever since the day they hooked up he never seemed to be very interested in her.

"So…" answered Lupin looking down the table.

"I heard there's a dance coming up tomorrow."

"Yeah, I heard that to."

"So…"

"So…"

"Well aren't you going to ask me to the bloody dance?" exploded Lily.

"Oh yeah, write, so you wanna go?" asked Lupin.

"With you? I guess it could be fun." Answered Lily calming down.

"No, I just meant in general." replied Lupin.

Lily made a face as if she'd just been slapped in the face. This was the last straw, what was with Lupin? He was usually so nice and sensitive. Her friends giggled again, this mad her even angrier.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Lily screamed Lupin snapped out of his casual searching and stared at Lily.

"What?"

"EVER SINCE WE STARTED DATING YOU'VE BEEN REALLY WEIRD! YOU NEVER SEEM TO BE INTERESTED IN ME ANY MORE! ALL WE AVER DO IS TALK YOU NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING I WANT TO DO, ALL BLOODY WELL CARE IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR GRADES AND YOUR STUPID BLOODY FRIENDS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU OR SOMETHING" Lily bellowed feeling all the sudden so much better. But that feeling didn't last for long when she saw Lupins face change from calm to complete and utter anger. This wasn't meant to happen. Lupins a nice guy he'd never get angry.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YEAH WE GOT TOGETHER BUT DID YOU EVER ASK ME IF I WANTED IT TO HAPPEN? NO! YOU WANTED ME AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, YOU DOMONATRIX!"

"I…"

"YOU ARE JUST TOO CAUGHT UP IN WHAT YOU WANT AND WHAT YOU'RE DOING! YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!"

"I…"

"THERE YOU AGAIN WITH THE 'I' YOU KNOW WHATS WRONG HERE! YOU ACCUSE JAMES AS BEING ARROGENT, CONCEITED AND VAPID. BUT DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK THAT MAYBE YOUR JUST AS BAD! LOOK YOU AND JAMES DESERVE EACH OTHER, BUT YOU'RE JUST TO BLOODY BLIND TO SEE IT!" Lupin through his hands up in the air and stalked away.

"Oh yeah, well if you think I'm just going to forget about this hole blow up, I'm not we are like so over now!" shouted Lily trying to save face but deep down she knew that Lupin was right. Damn it why did Lupin have to be so darn smart. She felt tears welling up in her eye's she had her one chance of happiness and she ruined it all because of her stupid pride. She ran out of the great hall and into the open night air. Where she just kept running, running away from all her mistakes and feelings, hoping that she'll some how out run them. How could she love some one and hate them at the same time? This wasn't how things were meant to turn out, love was meant to be simple just like all those blasted chick flick had told her. It was meant to be boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, they get together and the boy is for ever in aura of the girl's brilliance. Not this bloody screw up of a situation. She was so confused that she wasn't looking were she was going and some how found her self out of her depth in the giant lake.

"Oh Crap! Nothing gets pond scum out!"

Writers note: sorry about the last line.I can take all this feeling stuff, Humours much more interesting.


	9. The finally humiliation

It was the day of the big end of term dance. The dance would begin in an hour's time. The girls and Worm tail were stressing about how they looked. While the other NORMAL guys sat around playing tea parties, with crumpets and tea. Because one of the guys had found some "SHERBET" in Dumbledore's desk draw. Until one very nosey girl stuck her head through the door and told them as nicely as she could to get changed. Well more like "I'F YOU GUYS DON'T GET CHANGED BY THE TIME I GET TO THREE I'LL DO A MASS CASTRATION!"

Half an hour later pretty much everyone was ready and rearing to go to the dance. Well almost everyone, Lily wasn't, neither was Prongs, Mooney, Pad foot, girls who don't have dates, anti-social guys, girls who think their butt's are too big, guys who can't dance, guys who don't have dates, guys who want to stay behind and listen to the radio about the latest quidicth game sure weren't and the teachers who secretly hate students. Ok let's face it the only people who were actually looking forward to this dance were the gay guys and Worm tail.

Dumbledore got up on the stage to announce the opening of the dance.

"Listen up you miscreants I payed good money for this dance so I have a couple of rules. Rule number one there are no rules. Rule number two if you go outside wipe your feet on the door mat provided. Now party down!"

About two people clapped and the music started. That's when the whole school snapped into action the boys went to one side of the room and the girls went to the other. The actual couple's stood in the middle doing God knows what. Lily sat down on a chair she was like so depressed. Prongs sat in a chair with Katie; he was like so depressed too. Moony sat down and so did worm tail all this social interaction was giving him a heart attack. Mean while Pad foot was already heading straight over to the girls on the other side and well let's face it, he put his manly charm to good use.

"So… wanna dance?" Katie asked prongs getting uncomfortable with the way Dumbledore was looking at her.

"Umm… Ok but the last time I dance a girl had kneed me in the crotch and I really don't want to relive that moment all over again." Answered Prong wearily. They got up and walked into the middle of the dance floor were all the other couples were.

(Cut to other side of the room a.k.a Lily's talking now)

Oh rub it in every one's face why don't you? So you're the hottest couple right now big fizz. Oh God why aren't I dancing with you? Because you're a bloody idiot Lily that's why. Hey who asked you? You did. It was a rhetorical question. No it wasn't.

Yes it was. So wasn't. It so was. It so wasn't.

"Oh great I'm going insane now. That's all I need. First I'm a loner and now I'm talking to myself, well again and it's all because of that stupid boy." Lily whispered to herself. "Yes that's right. It's all his fault, he's the reason why I can't get him out of my head and I Know just how to rectify the situation so he won't be there any longer." Lily got up and stalked straight past Prongs and Katie and got up onto the stage. Prongs followed her.

"Hey Lily what are you doing?"

"Something I should have done a long time ago." yelled Lily determinedly.

Meanwhile Pad foot was using his manly charm to see how many girls he could get to make out with him. A little bet he had going with Prongs. Though normally this would have been one of Pad foots favourite past times, there was just something missing. There was suppose to be someone there telling him that what he was doing was unethical and he didn't quite get why he could stop looking over were Mooney was sitting quietly reading a book. Then it hit him, Mooney was missing! Making girls fall all over you isn't much fun unless you've got someone to tell you what a jack ass your being. So Pad foot stop making out with girl number 365 to her disappointment and walked back over to Mooney. Mooney looked up as he saw Pad foot walking back towards him.

"Hey mate what are you doing I thought you were trying to make 500 hundred girls make out with you?"

"Yeah, I was." begun Pad foot uncomfortable. "But then I realized that my place isn't with those gullible girls ready stick there tongue down my throat, but as it would turn out y some crazy twist of fate, my place is actually with you."

"Wow!" said Mooney utterly shocked.

"Yeah."

"I'm surprised two minutes of making out with the ugliest girl in the school and you're as gay as a lamp post." joked Mooney.

"No, what I'm trying to say is that doing stupid things isn't much fun with out a total stick butt telling me its wrong." recovered Pad foot very quickly.

"Well um… ok then, how bout a hug?" offered Mooney.

"Hey! I said I'd choose you over gullible girls not that I'm ready to go on a fishing trip with you." said Pad foot with the emphasis on "fishing trip".

"Yeah ok, so…"

"Come on let's get high and embarrass Prongs, just like old days." chuckled Pad foot, then all of the sudden the music cut out.

(A couple minutes back with Lily and Prongs)

"Lily you can't do this." said Prongs hurriedly.

"Oh, yeah watch me!" Screamed Lily she didn't realize how much fun public humiliation was going to be.

"Lily get down." demanded Prongs.

"Never!" Screamed Lily "You're going to here what I'm going to say and that's that!"

"Lily I don't know what you're planing but you don't want to do it. Trust me."

"Oh for once in your life shut up and listen." bellowed Lily. She turned to the band and screamed 'silencio'. The band stoped sounding immediately.

"Lily, don't make me come up there."

"Shut up. I'm trying to say something." demanded Lily. "I Lily Evans love James Potter! And I know it's taking me a while to realize it, but now that I do it's the one of the few things that I am absolutely sure of in my hole entire life. So far! But I know that all of this has been in vain because he's already going out with someone already." Lily was so nervous that she was panting. She looked out at the crowd, Oh God she'd just committed social suicide. What was she thinking when she thought this up?

"Wanna bet." Yelled Prongs from right beside her.

"What? But, you and Katie." stuttered Lily.

"Ok as bad as this is going to sound, it was all a kind of an act." began Prongs.

"What?" Lily was absolutely shocked, how could all of this be an act.

"Yes that's right." Butt in Katie. "You've kind of just been Punk'd."

Lily turned to Prongs with utter surprise on her face.

"You, see Lily I didn't really give up on you. Lupin had told me about this phycology thing where if you give a baby a toy, they sometimes won't want to play with it until some one takes it away, in which case they realize that they want it back and I kind of just tried that theory out on you for the last couple days." answered Prongs getting less and less confident as he went on.

"Yeah and I kind of volunteered to help out seeing as Prongs had indivertibly helped me with my family troubles." explained Katie.

"You mean to tell me that this was just a petty ploy to get me to realize I had feelings for James?" Replied Lily still completely shocked at the twist of events.

"Well did it work?" asked Prongs quietly looking up at Lily hopefully.

"I can't believe you! You've embarrassed me I don't know how many times! Drove me to the brink of insanity! Made me embarrass myself for nothing and for some strange reason I love you any way!" bellowed Lily.

Prongs looked up at her in surprise, he was expecting her to kick him the crotch ten thousand times a billion but instead she grabbed him and kissed him in front of everyone. They stood there kissing each other for ages which by the way Prongs didn't mind. But just when Prongs thought that this moment would never end, he heard a quick sliding sound as if a belt was being pulled out of some one pants and felt his pants fall on a one way trip to the ground. Prongs and Lily broke apart to here the whole place laughing at them. Then Lily looked down at Prongs pants and started to laugh. Prongs looked around trying to find the reason for the sudden Janet Jackson clothes mal-function, when hey found just what he was looking for. There standing on the far left of the stage was Pad foot holding his belt and Mooney laughing his butt off.


End file.
